For as hot as today was, I'm surprised its this cool. The breeze is making its way into my steamy, non-air conditioned, cozy living room and the fresh air has never felt so good on my skin.
I got the results today. I feel like I've been cooped up for what feels like a month. This is one of those nights where I wish I had a bottle of whiskey in my house so I could pour myself a niiice portion and drink it to the point where I would feel warm inside, ya know-get a little bit tipsy--maybe even trip and fall over Pippa's toys, laugh at myself & make my way to my bedroom and have a peaceful night sleep without a million thoughts running through my brain. And I'm a lightweight--so I really think this could effortlessly be accomplished with 2 shots.
To my detriment, there is no whiskey. So here are my thoughts instead:
It was shingles. Yes, apparently 26 year olds DO get shingles and it isn't just for your 80 year old grandfather--> who would have thought? And even though they are in the healing process, they are still very much there. Still visible-- I can see the spots. I know what I can and can not do. I know I need to avoid the sun. I know I need to build up my immune system. I know I need to sleep 8 hours a night. I know I need to stop internalizing my stress and anxiety. They are still painful without my nerve meds. And yet, I know they are healing and everything will be okay. That's the best news I have ever heard. It will all be okay.
That moment when I thought I wasn't okay was the moment that put things into perspective for me. I've had 2 health scares this year that were both treatable and I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the outcomes that I've had. And I'm ashamed to say that I was embarrassed of my scars--yes, my actual ones--and I only let certain people see them, because to me it used to mean that I am no where near "flawless". And everyone wants to wake up like that...no? (Okay okay--terrible joke that is way played out, but I had to do it)
What I've come to terms with is that those scars actually represent me. My story. My adventures. Maybe even a little badass-ery (as some like to call it). That fresh scar on my stomach is a little reminder that in fact, I am golden. And hiding that scar from everyone isn't allowing people to see the undeniable me.
It's all apart of my work. Letting go of the perfection that I desire in everything that I do. Well, what I've realized is that people don't like the me who tries to be perfect and is apologetic when I'm not doing things up to my ridiculous standards that I set for myself. It's that saying that I still have to get comfortable with: "Be unapologetically you". Being okay to just be me and let everyone see the same, authentic girl. Not just the select individuals that I feel comfortable enough to let in.
It seems to be my 2014 theme. Expose yourself. Be true. Let your guard down. Put your heart on the line. And they will either accept you or choose to walk away from you, but at least you can say you were real.
That is what I want to say.